enloki: (Default)
enloki ([personal profile] enloki) wrote2013-06-03 04:48 pm
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There's a shadow in the doorframe...

At this point in the year, all I truly want to do is enjoy this last month without boggling my mind with 'useless' worries. And honestly, at this point... everything that doesn't have to do with Tom Hiddleston or graduation is considered 'useless' to me.


I feel drained. Drained and uninspired to continue to strive aimlessly at some sort of non-existent notion of perfection. Right now it seems everything that I interact with is trying to tell me to get my shit together. Literally everything. Teachers have been reinforcing this idea that whatever I do right now will determine all the success and happiness of my future. Apparently from here on out, we'll be kicked head first into the 'real world'-- which we all know is a 'scary place'. 

I understand more than I want to that I'm living in a sheltered world, and that my time is running out. However, even inside of this little shell, I'm feeling fearful. More so after being constantly reminded that everything I'm doing right now is contributing to my fateful demise. I'm sorry but I don't know what to do with myself, either! I understand you're all worried for me, caring for me, and informing me with the best intents but  I'm so sleepy, so unmotivated, and so energy consumed. I'm done! I'm tired of being brainwashed and manipulated and stressed!

I've been at this dreadful school for a full decade, and I only have a month left. Ninety percent of my memories and all of my childhood has been at this place. This final month is the race to the finish line. I want it to be exhilarating, bittersweet, nostalgic, inspiring, and promising. I don't want it to be lagging, unfulfilled, regretful, and intimidating. Please. Just let this last month be decent for heaven's sake! 

The thought of Highschool being just a reach away is seriously terrifying, but I refuse to believe that my fucking LIFE has been predetermined by this year. I haven't even set foot into the real world or taken my first, real, breath into the universe. Let me get through my Farewell Night with my pretty dress and then let me sit through exams and awards (which won't apply to me hah) and then let me step out of those doors for the last time. Then, let me go ahead and leap into the darkness and learn how to survive within it by myself-- with my own mind, and my own developed skills. Nothing I've been taught will probably ever help me, but that's because no one can EVER prepare you for life. It's something you have to discover for yourself, isn't' it? Let this all be a bad dream, and let me sleep omfg I'm wasting away my youth worrying. Let me be fifteen for a second, yeah? Thanks.



 

Sea Oleena- Untitled
Lullatone- Bedroom Bossa Band



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